Failure

Everywhere I look there are (seemingly) happy and successful people. They have degrees, jobs, driving licenses, cars, relationships, children…

And then there’s me… I’m still at the same point I was when I graduated from high school. It makes me feel such a failure at everything. Life in general and especially when it comes to the fundamentals - boyfriend/fiance and children.

I feel like such a failure as a woman, having failed to attract anyone suitable. It’s like it’s always been. Some guys are into me, but I’m not into them and vice versa. What do I have to do to get out of this situation? Or is it just a matter of learning to live a lonely life?

I really don’t know what to do.

Doctor’s appointment

I had an appointment with the doctor the other day. Sleeping was completely out of the question the night before, as you can imagine. So much depends on the result of that examination that I’ve been out of my mind with worry in the past couple of weeks. I was actually standing at the bus stop, waiting for the bus, when I suddenly heard my name being called. The doctor was sick so my appointment had been cancelled. Someone had called to let me know that late… Now I’ll have to wait almost two more weeks. A good thing I don’t bite my fingernails anymore.

Give up and drown

Something’s happened that’s made me completely devastated. I won’t tell you what that is, but in any case this will have several different consequences for my future.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying. Clearly it’s no use. Nothing I do could ever work. Failing might be a little crushing when you didn’t try in the first place. Now that I know that I’ll never have any luck.

Just letting myself drift instead of fighting it. It won’t help, so why exert myself needlessly?

Perhaps it’s time to face the fact that it’s time to stop. Give up and drown, like the wise little frog.

Fooled again

It’s that time of the year again. When this wonderful light returns and the birds are singing and the flowers shoot up. You’re filled with such an indescribable sense of happiness and you
just have to get out.

Sounds familiar?

Unfortunately, there’s nothing real behind that feeling. It just fools you. I don’t know for how many years I’ve bought into it. For months I was carried by that sense of expectation. But then at the end of the summer or some time into the autumn, I was forced to see that what you were waiting for and hoping for, never happened.

Fooled again.

But of course, while it lasts, it’s lovely, wonderful, delightful. And maybe a lot of all those things you long for and believe will make you happy is like a bag of candy that turns out to be empty.

But I don’t want to think about that right now. I’m too busy being fooled again. And if that’s all you have to look forward to, I guess this will have to do.

There’s always something

I’m not feeling too well right now. It seems as if everything that happens right now is negative. I don’t know about my own health and my mom is having trouble too and so does my sister. Our family always seems to have bad luck.

And up until recently, I actually felt great. I feel ok even now, but unfortunately, that can’t be right. Something has to be wrong. But hopefully there’s something to be done about it. I’ll just have to dare to go and see a doctor and find out what it is.

Rosa in 3D

You might be wondering where I got my cool icon? It’s like this - I’ve joined Second Life. Second Life is a 3D community (in English and some other languages). You can create your own avatar, which can be a virtual version of yourself or anything at all.

Some people role play, others gamble to win money. There are those who have virtual ‘relationships’. Some build objects in 3D. Personally, I have just ‘played’ with creating my avatar.

If you think this sounds interesting, you might want to take a look for yourself:

Second Life

Or you might want to join right away.

Click here to do that.

Not a sound from the phone

New Year’s Eve. My sister got several text messages wishing her a Happy New Year. Great for her. The phone might have rung too, but this year, it didn’t. Even my mom, whose friends are extremely wary of technology, got one text message with the same message my sister got. I’m glad for her.

But my phones stayed silent. No one got in touch to wish me a Happy New Year. Sure, earlier I had a few well wishes in emails and chat messages. Don’t get me wrong, I love those people. Of course I appreciated their well wishes. I sent them and all my other friends emails just before the holidays.

It’s just that on that night, when everyone’s thinking of their friends and loved ones, I never entered anyone’s mind. It’s as if I don’t exist, or at least I don’t register very high on their list of important people and things.

C’est la vie. Etc. I guess I’ll just have to accept that and try to get over it. But for me, New Year’s Eve is always a little sad.

Lonelier than ever

I guess I’ll just have to face the truth: No one outside my family will ever care about me. Whatever I do, no one ever likes me best or even knows I’m alive.

What made me feel this way? It’s like this: I’m a member of several different online groups/communities. In one of them I got to know a guy that I liked a lot. Liked. Because I’ve finally realized that he doesn’t care as much about me as I care about him. He probably hardly knows I exist.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why no one cares about me. And yes, I’m well aware of how disgustingly pathetic this is. But sometimes you just have to whine.

Maybe I’m ugly, maybe I’m boring, maybe there are simply too many sad, lonely girls and not enough sweet guys who can like us all.

Funny…

Since September I’ve been sitting in front of the computer more or less all the time, feeling depressed. I’ve had too much to eat and I’ve been getting too little exercise. Bearing this in mind, you might expect me to have gained weight and become less fit. Right?

Wrong. When I went for a walk today, I realized that I’ve lost a little weight (my jeans were less tight) and I’d become a little fitter since my last walk.

How is that possible?

But I guess I’ll just have to consider myself lucky. Far too many times I’ve had to accept the exact opposite. Gaining weight and ending up less fit, when I’ve been eating less and exercising more.

I guess it was my time to be lucky for once

No one to talk to

I’m feeling really lonely again.

That’s something I feel more strongly on those occasions when I have something in particular to worry about, which can be quite often. In any case, something happened that made me very concerned and sad. Things worked out in the end, despite everything, but not before it had begun to affect me physically. That made me even more worried and - to make a long story short - now it’s there at the back of my mind - that concern. What about my health? What kind of a future will I have?

When I read what I’ve written in this blog I get really angry with myself. How pathetic. But if I knew how to solve my problems, I’d hardly be sitting here whining. Naturally, I’d get to work, dealing with them. And I really do try. I have a couple of different projects going, but as usual they don’t really turn out very well.

But this post was going to be about me feeling lonely, which is typical of me. I needed someone to talk to, but there was no one. No one who would like to listen to me or even be there. That’s how my life is. Sometimes I almost think I don’t exist. Maybe I’m just imagining that.